Whoa. So 2015 went bloody fast didn't it?
I started off the year back together with my always on and off ex-boyfriend. Originally meeting in 2012 (he's always been the person I'm with/referring to when I talk about my ex) we've had this weird on off "I love you but I don't want to be with you, actually wait I do want to be with you no wait I dont" relationship for years. Although on reflection I have no idea how he really felt about me and I feel like it was all a sham. I've made comments about him being emotionally abusive towards me in the past, and would like to talk about my experience with him at some point but Im unsure if I really want to reflect or not. For some reason I thought this time it would be different, but of course it wasn't. I was making steps to making our relationship public because I finally trusted him and to me I thought things had never been more perfect. But when I was in Japan on Contiki back in March he met someone else and two weeks later started a relationship with her despite claiming to "not know" her before this. I said to him when we broke up "I know in two weeks you'll be in a relationship with someone else" and low and behold he was. He had cheated on me in the past (although I didn't find this our till almost two years after he did it, even though I confronted him at the time and he denied it) but I chose to forgive him because I naively believe he'd changed.
I was bitter and angered by this for a long time before I realised how unhappy I was when I was with him. At the time I felt like this was finally our time, but I don't think I've ever felt unhappier when being with someone. He made me feel ashamed to be me, that what I did (blogging) was embarrassing and I just felt like I was constantly trying not to upset him. Stepping on eggshells and trying to be what I thought he wanted from our past experiences. Thats just not good place to be. I bet he reads this (Hi Jay!) and denies it all or just chooses to believe he made me feel this way like he has done when I tried to talk to him about it in the past but there it is.
If you're not in a relationship with someone who is proud of you and makes you feel like the most important person in the world then walk away. I thought I was in love but I think I was just bloody terrified of him. He made me feel like I was the emotionally unstable one and the one that was causing all the problems when I don't think I was ever asking for anything unreasonable. It's hard, but people don't change and you can't change them no matter how much you tell yourself you can.
I hardly travelled this year which was odd. After spending most of 2014 out of the UK I only left the UK a handful of times but I did visit some amazing places that I'll cherish forever. I went to Japan which was absolutely amazing. The culture is so different from here and it's a stunning place to visit. I lost all my footage and photos as my memory card corrupted and to be honest I have negative memories connected to it so it's a weird one. I do plan on going back at some point.
Trek America also invited me on on a trip around the USA which was so different compared
I went with a bunch of Youtubers and I don't think Ive ever laughed so much in my life. This was post-afore mentioned breakup so I was still in a weird place however it was what I needed.
