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I feel weird about blogging, for some reason it doesn't feel like my place anymore since getting all cosy over on my Youtube Channel. Sort of like when you meet a new partner and you're with them for a bit and then feel a bit weird going on a night out with your mates. After being all safe and spending all your time with them but going back to your friends is all great fun but it still feeling like you saw them yesterday.

Blogging is hard, harder than it's ever been before. I think I got bored of it because it's just not my style, the in vogue thing with blogging is much more polished and perfected - but the reason I turned to blogging was to get away from all that. Not that I dont love all the awesomeness of blogging these days, its just not my style (as in personal style) and I much prefer more helpful, interesting content on different things compared to an outfit post or seven. (Who am I kidding I still want pretty much everything I see on pretty much every blogger)

Blogging is supposed to be raw, passionate and in the moment but its gone so far beyond that Im not sure it even knows what it wants to be. Youtube is going the same way but you still see those pockets of raw emotion and passion that makes you feel like you belong there. And maybe its because I achieved so much with my blog very early on in my online career I felt like I peaked and never quite achieved what I could have done if only I pushed myself harder.

Right now, I want to blog and then I dont want to blog but I've never not wanted to make Youtube videos. I said before but I still see Youtube as a challenge. It's super hard these days to get noticed, get views and we ALL feel like our channels are dying. Ask any Youtuber and they might tell you the same or sugar coat it and pretend it's all good when in reality it's not. It's a pretty dire situation for your average Youtuber these days.

The main reason I stopped blogging was because I stopped consuming blogs. And also because I REALLY REALLY loved Youtube and of course that led to me abandoning this place. I could count the times I've blogged on here on my fingers and toes this year and that makes me sad. This was my thing, this was a thing I thought I was good at and a thing I thought I could do. But I stopped making an effort the same way as you do in those relationships and took it all for granted. I fell out of love.

Falling out of love with something is sad, but it doesn't mean you dont care. My ex boyfriend recently (yes that one) reached out to me with one of the most patronising texts I've ever read before. And despite him being a shit he made me realise you can fall totally out of love with something but still care a tiny bit. And that tiny bit goes two ways, you can leave it like I'd choose with him or you can still be around... be civil and have a nice time.

And the latter is what Im going to do. Im not promising anything, Im not gonna embark on some huge effort to be a better blogger or do whatever everyone else is. I hate feeling obliged to do anything, its a weird trait but as soon  as I feel I have to do something it fills me with fear and desperation. A weird sort of anxiety that I just cant really shake off properly.

I plan to make my blog the extension of my other social media if anything which I think is probably a strange approach but I just think due to the fact that we have everything that fills the gaps in between blogging on Instagram and Twitter its made me feel like blogging could be redundant if you left it that way. Which for example I do. Blogging isnt redundant of course, its just not a huge part of my "online routine", and I need to find a way to make it.

Its impossible to be good at everything, even though I've been making a conscious effort with my Instagram and try and keep up with my channel and thats pretty time consuming.

Anyway I'm sure you've read a 10's of these posts over the past year about me wanting to do this that and the other and plotting and planning and dreaming of all these things I want to do but never quite doing them. Its pretty much the story of my life.

None the less, Hi blogging people. Thanks for reading, thanks for sticking around. I'll be coming at chu with some form of content or something something soon. Maybe.